that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
