Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
