did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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