that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I touched a dick in church today
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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