Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
