I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
