You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
