I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We had sex on a dog bed..
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
