you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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