My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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