after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
