one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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