I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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