You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
