I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i drank out of a bidet.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
