Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
