Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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