Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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