I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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