my phone needs a breathalizer
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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