Jerry, you need to find god
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
