Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
