It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
A bitchslap is in order.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
