quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
