she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
