dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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