everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
