way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
