Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
