we're blogging at a bar
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
