he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
