When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
