he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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