i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
