did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
