i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
