I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
