So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
