So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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