So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Someone shattered a urinal.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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