oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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