I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
