my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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