Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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