I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
