I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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