Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
