you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
