Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
