I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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