Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
