my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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