u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
