last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
