I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
