my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
