Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
