K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
